NonReturnable Goods
by Paper Pearls
Summary: A parody in which Lucius tries to return a girl's... well... you get the idea. A parody based on a summary executed by McTabby. Not for the faint of heart, i.e. those easily offended.


**This parody was written in response to King of all Losers' "Bad Summaries" challenge and was inspired by one of McTabby's Executed Summaries. I'd initially read it as "Lucius takes a girl's virginity back", an alternative which I find to be favourable to the original wording, and so I think that we'll go with my scenario... **

**OoOoO**

"_Lucius takes a girl's back virginity/virginity back."_

_**-McTabby's Summary Executions.**_

It was not unusual to see Lucius Malfoy walking around the lower levels of the Ministry of Magic building, however there was one key difference in his outward appearance; instead of his well tailored robes, Lucius was wearing a dressing gown and little else. In one hand, he carried his cane, and the other was wrapped around the arm of a girl clad only in a bed sheet. Although his clothing (or lack of) and the presence of what we shall euphemistically term his 'companion' suggested that Lucius had had a very good night's sleep indeed, he had a face like thunder.

Some Ministry employees stared openly as he passed, taken aback by the situation. Others simply averted their gaze. A Junior Undersecretary was watching with unconcealed delight, although his sexual orientation was unknown so it was impossible to say whether he was fascinated by Lucius or the girl he was all but dragging.

"That's the fourth one this month." Mafalda Hopkirk looked on disapprovingly, adjusting her rather conservative robes.

"That makes it a new girl every week." Amelia Bones frowned, causing Mafalda to believe that she was considering the disgraceful scandal that Malfoy was creating. "The slick bastard might actually beat my record."

The limelight had well and truly been stolen from Lucius Malfoy. All lurking Ministry employees turned to stare at Madam Bones, and so nobody noticed that his expression darkened; there was something incredibly validating about such a public 'walk of shame', and Lucius was in a foul enough mood without having his ritual disrupted – he liked the attention.

"Let go of me!" The girl tried, unsuccessfully, to wrench herself from his grasp. "This is ridiculous."

"So is your belief that it's acceptable to talk after coupling." Lucius relinquished his grip on her arm, gesturing for her to head through the appropriate door. "Or that I have any interest in hearing about the minutia of your life when we could be sleeping. I do _not _want to get to know you better, outside of the carnal sense of the word."

"You seemed happy enough to learn my name." She pouted until it became obvious that he was paying her no attention – the walls were so highly polished that it was possible for Lucius to make out his own reflection. "You were calling it out all night."

"Other way around, my dear." He smirked, watching as the expression altered his own features. "Besides, I've forgotten it already."

Whatever insult the girl was about to pay him died on her lips as they approached the reception desk. Self-conscious, she tightened the sheet around herself.

"Welcome to the Department of Mysteries." The bored looking receptionist sitting behind the desk looked anything other than welcoming. In fact, she looked utterly disinterested. "How may I be of service?"

"Ah, well I'm Lucius Malfoy and I'm here to take Miss..." Lucius trailed off, turning to his 'lady friend'.

"Miss Brown. Miss Lavender Brown." She shot him a piercing look that she knew for a fact made her look adorable.

"I'm here to take Miss Brown's virginity back."

"Excuse me?" Both women, as luck would have it, spoke at exactly the same time.

"Well, the thing is I took it last night and now I don't want it anymore. She's a royal pain!" Lucius turned to glare at Lavender as she interrupted him.

"How dare y-"

"I don't think that it works that way." The receptionist looked at him as though trying not to laugh.

"But she played with my hair! She didn't even ask my consent." Indignant, Lucius slapped her hand away. "Look – you saw that, didn't you? She's trying it again."

"But it's so pretty!" Lavender eyed his hair with a curious mixture of awe and envy.

"No, Mr Malfoy, you can't take back a girl's virginity. Once it's gone..." The receptionist shrugged. "Is there anything else I can do?"

"Yes! Tell me what happened to the other three girls that I brought here – the department managed to return their chastity to them."

She sighed heavily.

"Sir, we paid them to leave. They were scaring employees -"

"Well, I'm a Ministry employee and she's scaring me – I'm terrified that if I spend another second in her company I'll be sent to Azkaban for using the killing curse." Lucius' voice lowered to a dangerous whisper, and he fingered his cane in a threatening manner. "I wish to return her virginity, do you hear?"

"It's impossible. I'm sorry, but we can't help you. Have you tried St. Mungo's?"

"So much for the Department of Mysteries..." Lavender eyed the chamber disdainfully. "You would think that they could solve the problem. It's not exactly Elemental Transfiguration."

Lucius turned and looked at her as though for the first time.

"I have a better idea..." He smiled in an almost predatory fashion. "Why don't we return to my manor?"

Lavender linked her arm through his, and together they left the building. Lucius even let her touch his hair, a sign that he no longer despised her. Well, maybe just a little bit.

**OoOoO**

**Thanks for reading. Please review.**


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